American Football Guru Gifts

Wednesday morning quarterback

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

No-Work Orange

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

"Now, why didn't I think of that?"

Good luck tonight, xoxo, Coach.

'What are we, wimps? Are we gonna let a bunch of rabbits push us all over the field? Come on, big guys.'

It can be taken up at any age....

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

Input From The Front Office

Golf lessons

"Awfully quiet... Must be a big game on!"

"If you think it's tough at this level, kid, wait until you get into calculus."

Mark Gastineau

And if the ball is completely unplayable...

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"This guy's a terrific defensive lineman. I once saw him chase down a quakerback for nearly 40 yards before sacking him. It was in a shopping mall, but still..."

'I don't care if you do need practice hitting out of the sand. The cat needs her litter box!'

'I didn't have a glass ceiling I had to break through... I had a golf course I had to conquer.'

'It looks to me like they come in peace.'

'The water hazard holds little fear for Jesus.'

"I didn't mean your day wasn't hard, too."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

Cat plays a golf shot from a litter box.

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

"On the weekend I finally beat the club pro...so I don't need you anymore!"

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

Rest in Peace Instant Replay

Snowman Football Fan.

"Oh no, it's gone in that silly little hole again."

'That was one of the most beautiful blocks I've ever seen; but you were supposed to carry the ball on that play.'

"Okay, he looks pretty stable – switch the middle screen back to the Superbowl."