Amateur Storyteller Gifts

"That was very interesting, Aubrey, but this is Show & Tell, not Kiss & Tell time."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Victor Hugo

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

'Get the net ready, Alice. I think it's a big one.'

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

Eurydice is bitten by a snake

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

'Who I played in Summer Stock.'

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"He just found that 'pillage' rhymes with 'village'."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"#notguilty."

Cinderella and Charming the Clown

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

'Wait a minute! What if this isn't just a puddle?! What if it's a huge, furious hibernating snowman?'

Hansel and Gretal

"This is what's known as a book."

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

'It was a dark and stormy night. Also, there was a Catch-22.'

Alberich steals the gold

'How about having at least one character who's alive and wearing clothes?'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

"Personally, I loved your novel. Unfortunately, our e-book editor says it just doesn't work on the little screen!"