Amateur Soothsayer Gifts

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Pie Filling Reader

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

'How will my turkey turn out this year?' Color

'Fortunes, Impressions, Hunches, Wild Guesses'

Before becoming the legend that he is today, Nostradamus first enjoyed a pretty good living at the tracks.

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

Protesting man's sign reveals that his credit has run out.

I predict a huge fall followed by a lucrative job offer with a major cake baking company.

End of world nigh!!!

'According to your love line, I should be calling a cop right now!'

"Any kind of election is getting harder to call these days. . ."

'Sometimes I see problems and solutions with such clarity, I feel I've been infused with all the wisdom of the ages... THAT'S when I know I've had too much to drink.'

'I can see much grief, suffering and misfortune ahead - and you'll always be dogged by extremely bad luck - but, the good news is you're going to live to a very old age!'

Fortune teller using a computer rather than traditional methods

'I've finished your horoscope, Bucky.'

"That was very interesting, Aubrey, but this is Show & Tell, not Kiss & Tell time."

Greece & EU

"Today the Federal Reserve announced interest rates will stay the same, but hemlines will rise."

'I met my husband at one of these conventions. You could say it was love at second sight.'

'what do you mean 'Don't expect miracles'? Why shouldn't I expect miracles?'

"With Crystal Protect, we'll monitor your crystal ball to prevent the hack and theft of your clients' fortunes."

"I'm telling you, these drinks have been watered down"

'Personally, I think you're losing your focus.'

"I had a huge crush on him, he was so handsome, but then this girl kissed him and he transformed into a human: I was heart-broken..."

'I see your future ... it's gonna be a riot!'

'But will you still respect me in the morning?'

It's just going to continue and continue.

I lost my job as a political satirist because reality is funnier than I ever could be.

"Hey Zelda...What do I do when the screen goes blank?"

"Stay with me. I just want to cross-check your fortune with a quick Google search."

"OMG! Unbelievable! Oh dearie, dearie me. OMG!"