Amateur Soothsayer Gifts

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Pie Filling Reader

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

'How will my turkey turn out this year?' Color

'Fortunes, Impressions, Hunches, Wild Guesses'

Before becoming the legend that he is today, Nostradamus first enjoyed a pretty good living at the tracks.

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

I predict a huge fall followed by a lucrative job offer with a major cake baking company.

Protesting man's sign reveals that his credit has run out.

End of world nigh!!!

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

'According to your love line, I should be calling a cop right now!'

'Sometimes I see problems and solutions with such clarity, I feel I've been infused with all the wisdom of the ages... THAT'S when I know I've had too much to drink.'

Fortune teller using a computer rather than traditional methods

"Any kind of election is getting harder to call these days. . ."

'I can see much grief, suffering and misfortune ahead - and you'll always be dogged by extremely bad luck - but, the good news is you're going to live to a very old age!'

"That was very interesting, Aubrey, but this is Show & Tell, not Kiss & Tell time."

'I've finished your horoscope, Bucky.'

Greece & EU

'I met my husband at one of these conventions. You could say it was love at second sight.'

"Today the Federal Reserve announced interest rates will stay the same, but hemlines will rise."

'what do you mean 'Don't expect miracles'? Why shouldn't I expect miracles?'

"With Crystal Protect, we'll monitor your crystal ball to prevent the hack and theft of your clients' fortunes."

"I'm telling you, these drinks have been watered down"

'Personally, I think you're losing your focus.'

"I had a huge crush on him, he was so handsome, but then this girl kissed him and he transformed into a human: I was heart-broken..."

'I see your future ... it's gonna be a riot!'

'But will you still respect me in the morning?'

It's just going to continue and continue.

The World Ends In 30 Days...21 Business Days

"Hey Zelda...What do I do when the screen goes blank?"

I lost my job as a political satirist because reality is funnier than I ever could be.

"Stay with me. I just want to cross-check your fortune with a quick Google search."