Amateur Painter Gifts

Painting by the numbers for adults

'You did that on purpose!'

"I'm mixing red and yellow to get green."

"It all starts with them having you fetch their slippers."

Kid with messed up project in Wood Shop, titled: 'Wouldn't Shop'

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

I'm looking forward tot he day we can afford some real statues for this place.

"Hurry up, I'm hungry."

'It's not easy painting hummingbirds.'

"Stop complaining and smile! It's a job, isn't it? NO wonder they call you Mona!"

"Which way to the Mona Lisa? We're double-parked."

"I don't know what happened, your holiness! I painted the ENTIRE CEILING!"

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

"My method of painting is pointillism."

Hazards of mouse painting

"While, yes, I could produce those strokes, I lack the context to position an image in the ongoing conversation of contemporary art as enclosed by capitalist forces."

Artist Retrospective.

Truthfully, I'm just a frustrated insurance agent …

Alberto Giacometti.

Super glue . . .

"Still life with fruit and terribly drawn fish"

'What are they worth? Well, it's difficult to put a price on such extraordinary works of art. How much you got?'

'...and you can wash that pea-green crap off - I want Magnolia.'

"... 'Do it yourself enthusiast'?... No, George is more of a, 'cock it up yourself enthusiast'!"

'You never smile at me like that!'

The Worst Date Ever

Man having picture of caught fish sees that cat has eaten it.

Queuing for a Turner, Whistle, Monet exhibition in the rain - 'Atmospheric, isn't it?'

Fish uses its gill to block straw cat is using to remove water from a fish bowl.

Woman shops while man sets up noose. "Do I go with bright white, deep white...."

"Darling! - did you know your books are crooked...?"

'How did the 'creative way of thinking' course go?'

artist painting portrait

"On the downstairs freezer, you can view some of my earlier work."