Altar Call Comedian Gifts

"Thank you, but I don't feel it's necessary for you to play 'Charge' when I invite people to the altar."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Cold caller.

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'I'm still in conference, Miss Alsted.'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

'It's really nothing - Looks like baby boomer age spots.'

'Ed's busy, but someone who speaks out of both sides of his mouth will be right with you.'

'It's Howard Schultz calling. Does newly discovered planet Kepler 186F have an atmosphere suitable for a starbucks.'

Alexander Graham Bell receives his first telephone call.

"Hi, my name's Mike. I'm calling from the Government to let you know your Social Security Number has been suspended..."

"Operator, get me my hair!"

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

"I'm afraid he's not available at the moment. Would you like to leave a message?"

"Thank you for not taking our customer satisfaction surney at the end this call. Now I can be rude to you with impunity."

"Oh, no! How are we going to divide this space by seven?"

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'I'm on the train.'

So sorry, I dialled the wrong number. I dialled my salary by mistake.

"I continue to wear a mask as a courtesy to you. My wife says I have terrible breath."

'I won't be in to work today... I woke up with a bug.'