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'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

I'm dropping you. I'm no longer going to be your personal "alpha male" trainer. What?! But

"I'm seeing some dominance issues."

"Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool?"

'Let me guess - you lost a fight against a young challenger who has now replaced you as the company's alpha male!'

Gas: Regular/Hi-Test/Testosterone

"Young Montague's full of himself."

"Come on, we all know you're the new Alpha Male: No need to rub it in by wearing a badge..."

Macho man body building club.

Human males marking territory.

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

I think you started off sending him the wrong message when you named him Alpha.

"I hate shaking hands with him, he always squeezes as hard as he can!"

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

"Many of you were confused about the 'Randy's how to be an alpha' lesson from yesterday: 'live like you've got nothing left to lose'."

'I always keep him on a leash when I take him for a walk...'

'Okay, alpha doggie, go delegate someone to fetch.'

'Where it asks, 'head of household'. . . who is it. . . you or Marmaduke?'

"Alpha Male."

"To be an alpha male, little buddy, you've got to live like you've got nothing left to lose."

"That's right - I'm talking to you."

"Dear, do you think you may have become too comfortable with your masculinity?"

Born leader

Today's alpha-lesson is called "Always Jujutsu the Suspense." If someone says "I've got a great idea" and then pauses to create suspense, that's a power-move. They want you to beg them to continue. The alpha counter-move in this case is simple. Use the suspense-monger's suspense against them: say absolutely nothing.* *This move should never ever be applied in the boudoir.

Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool? That's one of those things you always see an alpha male do: Stand around a pool hall polishing his stick and racking up the balls … sizing up his shot, like he's secretly a geometric wizard who's about to make the whole world line up the way he wants it to with just one whack. Or maybe I should take up darts, where I myself become an extension of the missile I'm launching. Any sport in the bar family works.

I'm announcing the debut of my new manual: "Randy's Movie-Watching for Alphas." Chapter One: The critics are all wrong

Armstrong fired me. I kind of wish I knew why. Who cares why? A real alpha doesn't let himself get fired, little buddy. What you should've done was fire your boss before he had a chance to fire you. That way, thoughts of everything he'd lose would flood his brain and there's a 48.7% chance he'd actually beg you to stay. Isn't that the same number from your book "From Dump-ee to Beg-ee"? Work, romance ... it doesn't matter. All the relationships are the same.

"Why don't we call it a draw?"

"I'm not sure grieving openly is very many. I sure wouldn't want any of the guys in my crocheting group seeing me do it."

"I don't care if you're an alpha male now! I'm still your mother and you'll do as you're told! Got it?!"

"He was the lifeguard at the gene pool."

Macho fishing.

"Real men don't shave, but, if you have to, don't be dainty about it."

The New Man

In obedience school, he was the alpha male.