Alpha Male Analyst T-Shirts

'For pity's sake, Albert, can't I step out for 5 minutes without Sparky deposing you as alpha male?!'

"Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool?"

'Let me guess - you lost a fight against a young challenger who has now replaced you as the company's alpha male!'

"Young Montague's full of himself."

"Come on, we all know you're the new Alpha Male: No need to rub it in by wearing a badge..."

Macho man body building club.

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

Human males marking territory.

"Many of you were confused about the 'Randy's how to be an alpha' lesson from yesterday: 'live like you've got nothing left to lose'."

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

'The poll results are clear Sir: Your days as the Alpha Male are numbered...'

"I hate shaking hands with him, he always squeezes as hard as he can!"

A Wrecked-angle.

Alpha Pansy... Grrrrrr

Today's alpha-lesson is called "Always Jujutsu the Suspense." If someone says "I've got a great idea" and then pauses to create suspense, that's a power-move. They want you to beg them to continue. The alpha counter-move in this case is simple. Use the suspense-monger's suspense against them: say absolutely nothing.* *This move should never, ever be applied in the boudoir.

"Oh George, I wish you'd get things in perspective. . .!"

"You've been charged with driving under the influence of testosterone."

"It's very nice. I just think they could add a spa."

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

'Now that guy is really obtuse. . . and I'm not talking about the angle of the triangle of his fin.'

Crocodile Tie

"...And my Dad never gave me his approval. Which is why I try so had to be a perfect male specimen."

'Well of course I believed, but I never really thought it was true.'

"Alpha Male."

Heavenly politics. Campaigns here are different from those down on earth. Saint Peter has a complete file on everybody, so there's total transparency up here. Our debates are friendly and the ads are all positive. And here the incumbent in the highest office always runs unopposed. That's all true, but in one way the camaigns up here are just like the ones on earth. They go on for eternity.

"To be an alpha male, little buddy, you've got to live like you've got nothing left to lose."

"That's right - I'm talking to you."

Born leader

Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool? That's one of those things you always see an alpha male do: Stand around a pool hall polishing his stick and racking up the balls … sizing up his shot, like he's secretly a geometric wizard who's about to make the whole world line up the way he wants it to with just one whack. Or maybe I should take up darts, where I myself become an extension of the missile I'm launching. Any sport in the bar family works.

'I couldn't put it down.'

Today's alpha-lesson is called "Always Jujutsu the Suspense." If someone says "I've got a great idea" and then pauses to create suspense, that's a power-move. They want you to beg them to continue. The alpha counter-move in this case is simple. Use the suspense-monger's suspense against them: say absolutely nothing.* *This move should never ever be applied in the boudoir.

I'm announcing the debut of my new manual: "Randy's Movie-Watching for Alphas." Chapter One: The critics are all wrong

Armstrong fired me. I kind of wish I knew why. Who cares why? A real alpha doesn't let himself get fired, little buddy. What you should've done was fire your boss before he had a chance to fire you. That way, thoughts of everything he'd lose would flood his brain and there's a 48.7% chance he'd actually beg you to stay. Isn't that the same number from your book "From Dump-ee to Beg-ee"? Work, romance ... it doesn't matter. All the relationships are the same.

"I don't care if you're an alpha male now! I'm still your mother and you'll do as you're told! Got it?!"