Alpha-male Theorist T-Shirts

Armstrong fired me. I kind of wish I knew why. Who cares why? A real alpha doesn't let himself get fired, little buddy. What you should've done was fire your boss before he had a chance to fire you. That way, thoughts of everything he'd lose would flood his brain and there's a 48.7% chance he'd actually beg you to stay. Isn't that the same number from your book "From Dump-ee to Beg-ee"? Work, romance ... it doesn't matter. All the relationships are the same.

"If you could change just one thing about yourself, what would it be?" "I’d totally wish to have my brain put into a robot body." "That way I could live forever. Imagine living long enough to buy an iPhone 7000." "Wrong answer. An alpha male never lets on that he’s concerned about his mortality. Your answer should have been 'nothing.'" "The alpha male or female is not afraid of death, little buddy." "I think I’d rather wait for the 7000–S." "Stop it."

"Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool?"

"Young Montague's full of himself."

"Come on, we all know you're the new Alpha Male: No need to rub it in by wearing a badge..."

Human males marking territory.

I think you started off sending him the wrong message when you named him Alpha.

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

'The poll results are clear Sir: Your days as the Alpha Male are numbered...'

Once entangled, clashing male doctors usually die a slow death by starvation.

"I hate shaking hands with him, he always squeezes as hard as he can!"

"Many of you were confused about the 'Randy's how to be an alpha' lesson from yesterday: 'live like you've got nothing left to lose'."

Alpha Pansy... Grrrrrr

Top Dog

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

The armchair pharmacologist speaks...

Men's Fragrances

"To be an alpha male, little buddy, you've got to live like you've got nothing left to lose."

"Alpha Male."

Many of you were confused about the "Randy's How to be an Alpha" lesson from yesterday: "Live like you've got nothing to lose." You know what? I don't care. If you don't get it, that's on you. If you want to hang out with the big dog, either keep up or get left behind. I hope that demonstration clears up the confusion. If not, I couldn't care less.

Today's alpha-lesson is called "Always Jujutsu the Suspense." If someone says "I've got a great idea" and then pauses to create suspense, that's a power-move. They want you to beg them to continue. The alpha counter-move in this case is simple. Use the suspense-monger's suspense against them: say absolutely nothing.* *This move should never ever be applied in the boudoir.

You look tired, Randy. Hot date last night? I had a date. That is correct. But was it hot? A gentleman doesn't tell whether a date was "hot" or not. No … but you usually do. Didn't you just patent "Randy's Hot-o-Meter," the hat that turns from white to pink to red, depending on the hotness of last night's date? Did you know the inventor of bacon was vegetarian? He was? Who knows? Point is, inventions are not a statement of principles.

Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool? That's one of those things you always see an alpha male do: Stand around a pool hall polishing his stick and racking up the balls … sizing up his shot, like he's secretly a geometric wizard who's about to make the whole world line up the way he wants it to with just one whack. Or maybe I should take up darts, where I myself become an extension of the missile I'm launching. Any sport in the bar family works.

"He was the lifeguard at the gene pool."

"It's time to pull the plug."

"Why don't we call it a draw?"

"I'm not sure grieving openly is very many. I sure wouldn't want any of the guys in my crocheting group seeing me do it."

'A real Alpha-Female hey? Me, I am more of a D-minus male...'

"Do you ever feel as though the portfolio of your manhood should have included combat?"

'For pity's sake, Albert, can't I step out for 5 minutes without Sparky deposing you as alpha male?!'

I'm dropping you. I'm no longer going to be your personal "alpha male" trainer. What?! But

"As an alpha-male, I get roasted online, but none of these anonymous trills challenge me in real life to take over and lead..."