Alpha Male Wannabe T-Shirts

"Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool?"

'Let me guess - you lost a fight against a young challenger who has now replaced you as the company's alpha male!'

"Young Montague's full of himself."

"Come on, we all know you're the new Alpha Male: No need to rub it in by wearing a badge..."

Macho man body building club.

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

Human males marking territory.

I think you started off sending him the wrong message when you named him Alpha.

"Many of you were confused about the 'Randy's how to be an alpha' lesson from yesterday: 'live like you've got nothing left to lose'."

"I hate shaking hands with him, he always squeezes as hard as he can!"

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

'The poll results are clear Sir: Your days as the Alpha Male are numbered...'

Once entangled, clashing male doctors usually die a slow death by starvation.

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

Alpha Pansy... Grrrrrr

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

"Alpha Male."

"To be an alpha male, little buddy, you've got to live like you've got nothing left to lose."

"That's right - I'm talking to you."

Born leader

Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool? That's one of those things you always see an alpha male do: Stand around a pool hall polishing his stick and racking up the balls … sizing up his shot, like he's secretly a geometric wizard who's about to make the whole world line up the way he wants it to with just one whack. Or maybe I should take up darts, where I myself become an extension of the missile I'm launching. Any sport in the bar family works.

"He was the lifeguard at the gene pool."

"I don't care if you're an alpha male now! I'm still your mother and you'll do as you're told! Got it?!"

"I'm not sure grieving openly is very many. I sure wouldn't want any of the guys in my crocheting group seeing me do it."

"Why don't we call it a draw?"

Today's alpha-lesson is called "Always Jujutsu the Suspense." If someone says "I've got a great idea" and then pauses to create suspense, that's a power-move. They want you to beg them to continue. The alpha counter-move in this case is simple. Use the suspense-monger's suspense against them: say absolutely nothing.* *This move should never ever be applied in the boudoir.

Armstrong fired me. I kind of wish I knew why. Who cares why? A real alpha doesn't let himself get fired, little buddy. What you should've done was fire your boss before he had a chance to fire you. That way, thoughts of everything he'd lose would flood his brain and there's a 48.7% chance he'd actually beg you to stay. Isn't that the same number from your book "From Dump-ee to Beg-ee"? Work, romance ... it doesn't matter. All the relationships are the same.

In obedience school, he was the alpha male.

'A real Alpha-Female hey? Me, I am more of a D-minus male...'

'Alpha Males in the biology lab.'

'For pity's sake, Albert, can't I step out for 5 minutes without Sparky deposing you as alpha male?!'

To be an alpha male, little buddy, you've got to live like you've got nothing left to lose. I don't know, Randy. How could I just stop worrying about losing my dream job, or losing my life savings, or losing my looks ... or losing the respect of other men and the respect and adoration of the ladies? Good news and bad. Good: If you've never had any of that stuff, you can skip right to the "nothing left to lose" part. Ok ... and the bad?

I'm dropping you. I'm no longer going to be your personal "alpha male" trainer. What?! But

'He doesn't know his own strength. Bull, you're squeezing too hard!'

"As an alpha-male, I get roasted online, but none of these anonymous trills challenge me in real life to take over and lead..."