Alarms Gifts

Judges alarm clock: 'beep beep, all rise!'

You're letting this security thing go to your head.

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

"EEEeeeeee ... This has only been a test. If this had been a true emergency you would have heard OH MY F***ING $%&#!!"

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

'Isn't that cute! They're thanking us.'

City Zoo: Day Care

I like the Jets...I guess

Wildlife

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Santa Claus's Mail

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

12 O'clock was 'I'm a tractor time.'

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Whales eat billions of tiny shrimp-like creatures called krill. The krill are free but whales spend a fortune on dental floss."

No caption (A young bald eagle plays a claw game full of fish as his parent stands behind him).

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

'Chocolate milk, carrot cake,candied yams...see, there's a solution to everything!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"We're playing doctor. Do you have any old magazines for our waiting room?"

"Look, a bug!"

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

"And this is our media room."

SALE

'He made an excellent jelly.'

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

Shed Into Dream Playhouse.

"That'll be five bucks."

Updated Nursery Rhyme #27.

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Boy with a whale: 'He followed me home, Dad, can I keep him?'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

"Mom probably wouldn't buy us one, but you have to learn to make your own choices, Dad."