Airline Loyalty Gifts

Excess Baggage: These days airport frequent flyer lounges are even more crowded than the general boarding areas.

"Don't you know who I am?! I demand an upgrade! I'm a platinum-plus frequent fly..."

"We didn't drag you off the plane. That WAS your frequent flyer reward."

"I didn't jump the queue. As a first class platinum passenger I get priority and only have to wait 18 hours at the check-in."

"So the plan is to fly everyone for free. But we'll charge $400.00 per bag."

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

"No luggage to check - I just have this carry on."

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

You're telling me not to choose sides between Google and Apple. Precisely. Computer Villa. Stay neutral. Continue to support both companies. Emotionally. Right. By buying as much as you can from both companies. Doesn't that only benefit you? Heretic. Absolve yourself by upgrading your phone! Computer Villa.

'Do you have any specific regulations concerning travelling with pets?'

"Just gotta wait 'till she wakes up."

A member of a very populous consumer group attempts to go shopping...

"You sure you guys don't spike the coffee?"

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

Parachuting bishop.

Excess Baggage: Airline CEO's should be forced to work at the check-in counter explaining those hated add-on fees to passengers.

"Cheer up, Simon. . . I'm always here for you!"

Jesus Christ

'I am on a diet! It's called the Wall Street diet. I invested in British Airways, and the first day I lost 500 pounds.'

"How's my tripping you up?"

'This is a personal insult to me and my family. Paulie, word is you regifted that horse's head I gave you last month. . .'

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'He's trying to figure out why airplanes get bigger while seats get smaller.'

Excess Baggage: Many hotels, inspired by the airlines are gouging their guests by adding 'resort fees' to the room rates.

"Please feel free to browse."

"I know what the airlines charge to check a bag is outrageous, but. . ."

"No matter the weather or what's on my plate, I'm here at five. That's discipline."

'There he goes over the bag limit again!'

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

On the monitors behind the check-in desk: Arrivals/Departures/Donations

"And that one shows my frequent flier miles."

I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to upgrade. Watch this! What are you doing? Looking at an ad for the new Mac laptop. My heart's not racing! What's wrong with me?! It is sleek.