Aircrew Gifts

Iberia Airline Cuts.

"Looks like we may have strayed into Disney airspace."

"This bag is carry-on, and this one is kick-drop-throw-and-pile-on."

"Think we'll still make happy hour?"

'You sent your wife to get a bottle of wine from the wine cellar? Your jet doesn't have a wine cellar.'

Employee of the Month Parking

"Sorry for the wait. Have you guys been here long?"

Giant Monkey sprays the pesty planes with 'fly spray'

"You shouldn't have stopped to go to the bathroom, sir - you were late claiming your luggage, so we raffled it off."

"Now boarding group 50 and up."

"I've heard this airline's got some unusual inflight entertainment."

"Rule #1: don't offer to carry anything!"

Lifesaver!

Gates A-B Taking Care of Business, C-D Funny Business, E-F Do Your Business.

"Don't worry. If we're too late, we can always catch the secondary screening."

Getting out of baggage fees is tricky, another sweater or two and I'd be charged for an extra seat.

'I said, you're supposed to be in the underworld.'

Two airplanes

It became increasingly difficult for the captain to reward his crew and still maintain his ferocious reputation.

"On time arrival...check. Paid for drinks...check. Made pleasant conversation...check. Didn't stare at mole...check."

'He's still following us, Don.'

'Ideally, I'd like a ticket to where ever my luggage is going.'

"Kindly place your seat in the upright position, extinguish all smoking material, fasten your seat belt, tie your tie, and adopt a serious and dignified demeanor."

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'Will that be coach?'

"So far, my luggage has had a more exciting vacation than I have!"

"Since when isn’t a taxidermied animal a comfort pet?" "Since forever!" "Dang it!"

"You finished with your peanuts?"

"As a courtesy for the inconvenience, please accept a voucher for three additional hours of your life, redeemable upon your death."

'I'm happy to report our use of air sickness bags has declined sharply since we quit serving meals.'

Orville Wright, not sure he wants to eat airline food, brings a sandwich to his historic first flight.

Safest Airline in The World

"Look, there's even more buttons and stuff up there."

Christmas Flights

"I don't know what's so funny. All I asked was whether this was their only flight today."