Ai Humorist Gifts

'This is your Global Positioning System speaking. Turn right at the next light and go into the mall. I need new batteries.'

Press Any Key. No, Not That One.

I'm not saying he's dumb, but talking to him is like talking to a firewall.

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"The Eggsorcist"

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

Elevator Music

'And don't be afraid to ask for directions.'

'I've been sitting on this mountain for 25 years, and what I've learned is that true happiness can only be found in the soothing relief of a fast-acting hemorrhoid cream!'

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

Waiter in resturant sawing violin.

"Being with you is just getting too surreal for me, Larry."

'PHWOAR! You should have seen her rear end when she sat on the piano. . . played 'TINK' and 'BOOM' at the same time!'

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

"Our cloud computing services include IaaS, PaaS, SaaS, NaaS, CaaS...and BaaS!"

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.