Age-defying Humorist Pillows

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

"Pushing sixty isn't the problem - it's pulling fifty-nine."

'How can you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'

'To absent teeth.'

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

"The vaccine is for people over 60, not a 25-year-old who just look 60."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

"Our health insurance premium doubled. Our age is now a pre-existing condition."

"Yes, doctor. I realise I'm in great shape for a fifty year old. The problem is I'm only thirty two."

Tooth Fairy stealing dentures

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

"Sorry, we're looking for someone younger. Someone who needs to pull a phone out of a pocket to tell the time."

"Of course 60 is the new 59."

"I'm starting to look old."

"You realise, in cosmological years, we're not very old at all."

Old age stinks. It beats the alternative. Youth? Good point.

"On the other hand, if I die next week this isn't a midlife crisis."

"Who knew they had interns in the Hoover administration."

"Why bother?"

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"It turns out my milk is actually aging cream...so, I use it to remove all those ugly age spots."

"Damn if I didn't start walking in this direction for a reason..."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

Still hip, but not much hop.

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

'It's hard to tell if that's part of the routine or just rheumatism.'

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."