Afterlife Satirist Gifts

New arrivals in heaven confronted by sign 'GO TO HELL'.

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

Smoking outside the Pearly Gates.

'Look at the bright side... the only thing you have to worry about now is taxes!'

Flight Insurance for Angels.

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

"This is so unusual...having been a politician, how did you manage to end up here?"

Priest's 'To do' list.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"You run into a window, too?"

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

'Even More Disciples'

"He wants us to start calling him 'Head Honcho'."

"Whew! What a day! I just get out of bed and all Hell breaks loose."

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

"I'll take new members any way I can get them."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'How long do we have to get in compliance?'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full if you have a case."

'Sorry, pastor, your soul's grace period is eternity, your car's is six minutes.'

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

'You will be reincarnated as someone who undergoes past life regression.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."