Afterlife Humorists Gifts

'Yeah, I tried that once.'

'What's with all the lawyers suddenly getting struck by lightening?'

Did dinosaurs go to heaven?

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"You run into a window, too?"

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

"I'll have whatever they're having."

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

Special Place in Hell...

'Second fastest gun in the west.'

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

I'm afraid of heights.

"Of course we have unlimited data..."

'Apparently my ex's idea of heaven was to punch me in the eye.'

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

IRS. They are both inevitable but at least the IRS grants extensions.

'Well yes. I guess it makes you look taller.'

"Don't you hate that? Now I think of the perfect last words!"

"It just doesn't have the same panache."

"Soul patch. What do you think?"

'I want to be buried in the smoking section!'

'I didn't know Heaven had another entrance?'

"Murchison is still in denial."

"I meet a lot of women in my work but I'm not good at forming long-lasting relationships."

'I led a long and happy life. Twenty business cycles.'

'Frankly, your credit score concerns me.'

'That was Larry...always trying to improve himself.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

"I'm not saying Heaven isn't perfect, but I wish China didn't own so much of our debt."