Afterlife Comedian Gifts

'I led a long and happy life. Twenty business cycles.'

"If this is a sentimental tribute, I'm gonna vomit."

"Don't you hate that? Now I think of the perfect last words!"

"Of course we have unlimited data..."

"Harry got a recall notice."

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

'Of course homosexuality is not a sin, handsome.'

"You run into a window, too?"

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

"I still maintain an online presence."

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

Special Place in Hell...

"I'll have whatever they're having."

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

'Second fastest gun in the west.'

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

An anarchist angel wearing his halo as a hoop earring,

'Apparently my ex's idea of heaven was to punch me in the eye.'

Bob landed in Hell. And to make matters worse, they lost his luggage.

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

"Murchison is still in denial."

"Soul patch. What do you think?"

'Well yes. I guess it makes you look taller.'

'I didn't know Heaven had another entrance?'

Grave with satellite dish.

'Yeah, I tried that once.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'Sorry. No football supporters.'

Man at Heavens gate being asked '...and what about the LBW decision on August 19th 1973...?'

'You must be new here. Most of us just hang around in our bathrobes'

"If it's worth anything, I just choked to death in a vegan joint."