Afterlife Comedy Gifts

"You say 'meek,' but your records say 'passive-aggressive.'"

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

'Of course homosexuality is not a sin, handsome.'

"You run into a window, too?"

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

Special Place in Hell...

"I'll have whatever they're having."

'Second fastest gun in the west.'

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

Bob landed in Hell. And to make matters worse, they lost his luggage.

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

"Of course we have unlimited data..."

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

An anarchist angel wearing his halo as a hoop earring,

"User name and password?"

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'Well yes. I guess it makes you look taller.'

"Soul patch. What do you think?"

'I didn't know Heaven had another entrance?'

"Murchison is still in denial."

"Don't you hate that? Now I think of the perfect last words!"

'I led a long and happy life. Twenty business cycles.'

'Yeah, I tried that once.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'You must be new here. Most of us just hang around in our bathrobes'

'You'll need a username and password to enter...'

'Can I be someone else's Guardian Angel? The guy's a bleeder.'