Afterlife Humor Gifts

A halo lifts a toupee off an angel.

'My horoscope said I'd have a heavenly day.'

"Well, well, well... We meet again at last!"

'Oh, my gosh! I had hoped it was just a worldly diversion.'

Holy S**t

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

"You run into a window, too?"

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

Deviled HamDeviled Eggs.

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

"I'll have whatever they're having."

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

Special Place in Hell...

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

Why it takes longer for lawyers to get in: 'This would go a lot faster if you'd stop saying, 'alleged'...'

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

"Hey you!. . . Get off of my cloud!"

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

"Of course we have unlimited data..."

'Apparently my ex's idea of heaven was to punch me in the eye.'

I'm afraid of heights.

"User name and password?"

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'Well yes. I guess it makes you look taller.'

"Don't you hate that? Now I think of the perfect last words!"

'I didn't know Heaven had another entrance?'

"Soul patch. What do you think?"

"One last request: move my car to the 11:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. Monday -Thursday side of the street for tomorrow."

"Crap."

"Murchison is still in denial."

'I led a long and happy life. Twenty business cycles.'

'Frankly, your credit score concerns me.'

'That was Larry...always trying to improve himself.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."