Advice Dodgers Gifts

'Shouldn't you two be out looking for jobs?'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

Fear of news.

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

"For the last time - do not call me when I'm pretending to work."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

"Knowing two languages is sure handy when telemarketers call."

"I think I'll pass - I'm having a really bad-nose day."

"I've had custom reading glasses made that blot out the words 'brexit' and 'royal.'"

'I gained about two hours a day. I gave up the New York Times.'

"Sorry, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now."

"Can you send me a text so I can use it as a ruse to get out of this conversation?"

'The person you called may be toying with the olive in her cocktail, please try again later.'

"If it's the ice princess, I'm not here."

"Although my client was well aware of the falling crime rate, Your Honor, he chose not to be trendy."

'No need to put my details in darlin'... You're the girl for me!'

"This case poses a very difficult choice... I know, coin toss!"

"I'm had a miserable day, so I'd appreciate it if neither of you mention politics, wildfires or COVID."

"If that's for me, tell them I'm in a meeting."

"How's your substitute history teacher, Baldo?"

Still going in circles. 'Told you so.'

"Yes, you've caught me at a bad time!!"

Why men hate to stop and ask for directions.

Cone of Silence

"Hi, this is RFK Jr." "Who?" "I'm just calling to remind you I'm still running for president." "Oh. Ok, now you have a good time." "I'm also calling to remind you I'm available for speaking engagements at your large rally, small rally, bar mitzvah, or assorted car wash openings." "Would you like me to speak at your function?" "Oh no, that's all right. Don't worry about it."

"Hey, can I call you back in about a nap and a half?"

'I'm eating right now. Can you call me back when I'm not eating?'

This Way/That Way

"We need to shelter him from all news about economic indicators!"

Other Walks of Shame

'I found I'm able to maintain my disposition by not watching any economic or employment news.'

'Maybe he doesn't want to know what's going on in the world.'