Adulting Champion Gifts

"Please, Miss, can I go empty my colostomy bag?"

Rex grits his teeth, puts on his big boy pantaloons and gears up for the day ahead.

Businesswoman Empowerment

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

'William, I've decided to go back to work so I can get a little rest during the day.'

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"I can't get used to being a grownup."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

Not much money, glory, or praise

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

Old Karate Master

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'Where Are They Now?'

Mother pushes twins on a double-decker swing.

'Our tabby was pre-approved for a credit card!'

Sports Memorabilia: Help wanted-losers need not apply.

Fathers are Heroes

"I thought I put on my 'big boy' pants this morning but apparently they were my 'fire me' pants."

"On my taxes, I claimed my inner child as a dependent."

"Seriously, fellas, I can't get up."

You know you're getting old... when your barber spends more time on your eyebrows and ears than on the hairs on your head.

Other People

Skateboard Olympics.

"Awake and doing great"

'So June, do you think we should get a stairlift or just move to a bungalow...because, let's face it, we're getting on and here will come a point...when you won't be able to carry me up the stairs anymore.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

'I came untucked.'

'I can't remember. Edith, am I forgetful?'

The Basic Blueprint for 99% of Today's Conversations (or So it Seems)