Adjusting To Married Life Gifts

"You wouldn't like it if I woke up and wrote things down in the middle of the night."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you knew I was a bureaucrat when you married me."

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

'I'm glad you're able to be with us more, but I'd appreciate it if you'd say you're 'spending time' with us, not 'doing time' with us.'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"Oh, how I wish the season would start!"

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

'There's an app you can program to delete your trash? I've had one for years called Dave.'

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"That doesn't look like setting the table to me."

'Don't be so sensitive,I only dozed of for a moment.'

'Will I still be married?'

"George is fluent in two languages. English and total nonsense."

"It's only fair. He has a man cave."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

'Oh, you nasty sluggard!'

"The wattle fairy came again last night."

"We should probably stop calling each other 'Fluffy's person' and 'Fifi's person' and learn each other's real names - now that we're married I mean."

'We don't text anymore.'

"It's your husband, Mrs. Thompson. He's come unraveled again."