Additive Avoider Gifts

Sawdust.

"These targeted ads are getting out of hand."

"Says, property of the I.R.S."

"Mummy said dinner was brussels sprouts tonight. What about we drop by the park and see if the old man sitting on the bench can feed us instead?"

' I hit two good balls today - when I stepped on that rake.'

"Ah! dehydrogenated non-milk fat solids with a soupcon of deoxyhydropesane and sweetners...just like mum used to make."

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

'There's more information available now than ever before. I can only block out so much of it.'

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

"When I hear the word mathematics I immediately think of three things. Boring and useless."

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

I filed my tax return electronically, to speed things up. Sure enough, I got audited in record time.

"That's the last time we do our own taxes!"

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"Since time is an issue, I didn't have time to organize my receipts."

Dream Advertisements.

'You can't avoid death...You can't avoid taxes...and you can't avoid having your name on computerized mailing lists.'

'Before I send in my taxes,I want to know if I'm going to be audited.'

"Fever, chills and dizziness. Sounds like you have a Math test at work today."

'I'm not counting the days 'til school's out. I don't do math unless they make me.'

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

'Look, I just expect more from a muse.'

"My only hope is that they eventually drop math from the curriculum."

An agony of aunts

'Your refund? — oh, we spent that money MONTHS ago!'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

'You say you were trying to squirm your way out of an audit?'

'Vice is one thing but advice is far worse!'

The dog that does the homework...