Algebra Avoider Gifts

'If 'x' is unknown, why should I rock the boat?'

Mental Wellness Center. Some folks coming here are working on multiple issues. Earlier, I saw a germaphobe with a fear of flying. Using an airplane bathroom must be completely out of the question! There's a narcissist with math anxiety and a fear of public speaking. He hopes one day he can stand in front of a large audience and count all the wonderful qualities he believes he has. And that guy has claustrophobia combined with a fear of success. Looks like he's going through a rough period

"Maybe if I make myself inconspicuous I won't be called on."

"Says, property of the I.R.S."

'Before you give us your surprise test, could we have a surprise study period?'

Sawdust.

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

"Shouldn't you be studying?

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

The Procrastinatorium.

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

I filed my tax return electronically, to speed things up. Sure enough, I got audited in record time.

"When I hear the word mathematics I immediately think of three things. Boring and useless."

"That's the last time we do our own taxes!"

"Since time is an issue, I didn't have time to organize my receipts."

"I don't have time for New Year's resolutions, I'm still working on the backlog from 1998-2000."

"Fever, chills and dizziness. Sounds like you have a Math test at work today."

'Before I send in my taxes,I want to know if I'm going to be audited.'

'I'm not counting the days 'til school's out. I don't do math unless they make me.'

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

"My only hope is that they eventually drop math from the curriculum."

'Your refund? — oh, we spent that money MONTHS ago!'

'As far as I'm concerned...mathematics is a load of rubbish.'

An agony of aunts

'You say you were trying to squirm your way out of an audit?'

'Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, but I never stick to it, and it's embarrassing when people ask me about it...this year I'm just going to lie through my teeth when people ask.'

'Here! Call the contractor. I don't want to hear any nonsense about goals, or touchdowns, or baskets. I want to see shovels! Lots and lots of shovels!'

IRS...Please, let's not quibble over a few dollars!

The dog that does the homework...

'I'll tell you why math is important - it lets us count the days till school's out!'

'Vice is one thing but advice is far worse!'

'Thurlow, the difference between you and me is that I was smart enough not to take my own advice.'

Introducing the 1040 - F.I.* Form (*The tax return for the financially incompetent.)