Ad Cynic Gifts

'The movie doesn't scare me - the commercials do.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

Always Compatible

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'