Academic Oversharer Pillows

'His Mandarin's OK, but he needs extra tuition in differential calculus.'

Genius Envy

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

"Rosalie—your poor performance this year has reduced your parents' investment in you by almost seventy per cent."

Too big to fail

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

'But do you realize what this report cart will do to my self-esteem?'

"Congratulations Professor, the committee 'okayed' your grant request."

"Since when did economists become sociologists?!"

The not so secret life of Walter Mitty

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

'...then I got my masters in psychology, and a year later I earned my Ph.D. in sociology. By the time I get my master in math and my doctorate in history, I'll be ready to retire.'

"This has been a productive homework session!"

'To err is human, but to forgive is unusual.'

"I can't believe it...a 'B' average on my report card? I'm not that smart! The theories of probability predict it's likely that the school's data system somehow encountered a catastrophic breakdown."

'Bill, I like the way you handle responsibility so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

'I'm sorry - Mr. Jenkins, MBA, PhD, MD, Esq. is O.U.T.'

'If my grades don't improve, I don't know what'll happen. Maybe they'll offer me a buyout.'

Grandma's Cupcakes And Details About My Foot Surgery

'I disagree with you, doctor. It's not just a hangnail. According to the Internet, it's a rare genetic disorder. . .'

'You'd think a Humanities professor would be more lenient in her grading.'

Rudy, please stop live blogging everything you do. On verge of argument. I'd hate the world to know our most intimate secrets. Sharing is what it's all about. For instance, I'd hate them to know that if you don't stop live blogging you'll never get any nookie. Now where were we? Capitulating.

"Six years of university followed by 14 years of postgraduate studies. You here for a job, or a seniors discount card?"

Surfboarder reading.

Vern takes the cashier's greeting of 'how are you today?' far too literally.

"Doctor, I just can't keep anything to myself..."

"Can I call you back? I'm having sex."

"I'm experiencing student burnout."

"Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. I have to go to Summer School."

'So I make bad grades. Is it necessary for the school system to issue a written statement?'

'My life is an open Facebook.'

"Your blog indicates I'm not doing well at all."

"Here's my report card. If you have any questions I'll be sitting in the corner."