Abuelita Gifts

"Look at this! It's a new cereal that targets Latino consumers. Oh man...don't tell your abuelita you're eating this."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

Swan Fairy Tales

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"Why bother?"

'Where was the TSA?'

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"Did you remember to take the trash in?"

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

Mr Metrosexual.

"Who knew we had so many dislikes in common?"

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"Time for bed, guys."

"And this little piggy went – whoa! Where is your fifth little piggy?!"

"What's wrong, girl? Trouble? Rachel can't decide which private school to attend?" "Upper West Side Lassie"

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

Through Traffic Keep Left/We're Through Traffic Keep Right

"I thought we'd eat out on the patio for a change."

'Then Jack told his mother they were getting out of the dairy business and going into crop production.'

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"Sure, it's 'beautiful,' Ray, but where are the outlet stores?!"

"Are you sure that's not a typo? -- Maybe the cow jumped over the moor."

A.S.A.P.'s Fables

Fairtale prosecutions.

The Great Pyramid of Geezers

'Read me 'Br'er Rabbit again and this time leave out the southern accent.'