Zen Humorist Gifts

A Buddhist monk dreams of chairs

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"My ringtone is the sound of one hand clapping."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"The Eggsorcist"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Magic Act

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."