Your Estranged Parent Gifts

"It's horrible to be at the end of my life with all these regrets! Here I am, a stranger to my family because my career was more important than my family..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

"I didn't know you could do worse than an F. When did they start handing out poop emojis?"

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"I feel I need to take a break from academia."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'It's all right with me if you go out, but you'll have to file a flight plan with your father.'

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"That was generous."

"I could never leave this place—this is where I grew up."

Teaching kids to count is fine - teaching kids what counts is best.

"Let's review cause and effect. Your divorce 10 years ago can't affect your son's zero today."

"The second I turn 16 I'm joining a conservative political party and then I'll be able to do whatever I want!"

"Can I move in with you?"

'Remember when I threatened suicide the first time you went home to your mother!'

"My mom has a new boyfriend, my dad has a new girlfriend and all I got was a new therapist."

"My teacher noticed you weren't at parent teacher night. She wanted to ask you why I never take an interest in anything."

"I don't care. We're not moving back in with my parents."

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

'My parents had the decency to die at the right age!'

"That reminds me- how's your mother?"

"Man with 'Mom and Dad' tattoos on either arm - "It's a real shame about your parents splitting up."

"I have to be getting back - I'm the glue that holds my parents' marriage together."