Your Estranged Parent Gifts

"It's horrible to be at the end of my life with all these regrets! Here I am, a stranger to my family because my career was more important than my family..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

"I didn't know you could do worse than an F. When did they start handing out poop emojis?"

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"I feel I need to take a break from academia."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

'It's all right with me if you go out, but you'll have to file a flight plan with your father.'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"That was generous."

"I could never leave this place—this is where I grew up."

Teaching kids to count is fine - teaching kids what counts is best.

"Can I move in with you?"

"Let's review cause and effect. Your divorce 10 years ago can't affect your son's zero today."

'Remember when I threatened suicide the first time you went home to your mother!'

"The second I turn 16 I'm joining a conservative political party and then I'll be able to do whatever I want!"

"My mom has a new boyfriend, my dad has a new girlfriend and all I got was a new therapist."

"My teacher noticed you weren't at parent teacher night. She wanted to ask you why I never take an interest in anything."

"I don't care. We're not moving back in with my parents."

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

"That reminds me- how's your mother?"

'My parents had the decency to die at the right age!'

"Man with 'Mom and Dad' tattoos on either arm - "It's a real shame about your parents splitting up."

"I have to be getting back - I'm the glue that holds my parents' marriage together."