Xylophone Appreciator Gifts

Though he wrote the world's most listened-to melody, few people know of Tony Bombosa, the genius behind AOL Instant Messenger's four-note jingle.

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

"Steamed vegetables."

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

'Oh Hi!'

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

The Greek Trampoline

"Amateurs."

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Russia Money Laundering

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Noah's Ark/Single's Cruise

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Historic Bank Jobs.

"I've considered portraiture, but everyone is so ugly."

Got stuck in Iraqi oil, Unca Sam?

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'