Worldly Chef Gifts

Keith Floyd.

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

"Everything tastes better when it's cooked on the grill."

'We can order Lebanese, Thai, Italian, Indian, Greek or Chinese...'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

Bangers and Mash

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

GMOs: The Next Generation

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

Witch's Brew.

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

Stupid Microwave

Tzatzikicicle

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

"Put out the Asian sates, the Russian blinis, and the Mexican bean dips, while whip up something Korean."

Amy Sedaris

How I met your mother

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

"Tastes great, less killing!"

"Well, he's a celebrity chef and the celebreties love his cooking."

Skyscraper Chef's Hat.

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

Woman reads Nigella Lawson cook book: 'Add butter to the mixture, remembering to moisten your lips ... whisk for three to four minutes, pouting throughout ...'

"Say it with Pierogies"

Cooking With Pollock.

At the Periodic Picnic Table of the Elements

"I'm not eating a TV dinner. Now it's called 'Computer Cuisine.'"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"It's something I made myself - chocolate covered veggies."

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

Artichoking victim

"Sauted lard, please."