Workplace Wit Sharer Pillows

'You're in trouble. Your confidential memo went toxic and so did that tuna salad.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

How are you at decision making?

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"It's my intelligence, talent and hard work that have got me to the top."

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

Wanna talk about it?

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

'Not only will it do the work of ten people, it will scare 40% more work out of the rest of the employees.'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Congratulations! It's a boy! Quickly nurse! Get her phone and upload a picture to facebook!"

'Your bonus as promised.'

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

"You're late, Myers!"