Workplace Laughter Lover Gifts

"I'm pretty sure I'm psychic...so I'm taking all my orders from Mr. Rod. 'telepathically.' So far, he hasn't asked me to do anything."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'What's wrong now?'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'As a CEO, I stand up for our rights. You've got the right to work 17 hours a day and if you don't do it, I've got the right to fire you.'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

The World's First Electronic Paperweight