Workplace Culture Warrior Gifts

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"My email is down... talk to me."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Staff support"

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

37 years in the same position.

Do Not Resuscitate

Bo're'droom

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"I hate performance review season."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'