Workforce Gifts

'Behold,a cross section of our workforce: the energy of youth mixed with the wisdom of years.'

Outer Space Outsourcing

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Counting part time employees is the new math.

'Normally, I would give credit where credit is due but we're in a credit crunch. Therefore, I will take all the credit for your hard work on this project.'

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

"It's not downsizing—it's just that we have 976 employees who have chosen to spend more time with their families."

"I'm so happy to be back in the workforce I'll never complain out loud again about Mondays."

"I spent hundreds of dollars on a course for entrepreneurs then found out the fire in my belly was acid reflux."

"If you're wondering why you've been chosen 'Employee of the week,' it's because your work load is about to increase, while your pay remains the same."

This castle manager job better be for real.

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

Human Resources Dept. When the boss says you're on the "short list" for promotion, it's not a crack about your height.

'right, make sure any new companies we acquire have an ageing workforce'

"You're 30 now. Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Thirty five."

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'Henderson! Have you been drinking again?'

"I'm glad to see we're all on the same page, but let's try not to tear it."

'If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?'

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'

"The boss is not very bright." "True, but if he was smart you wouldn't have a job."

"Remember unpaid interns are a renewable resource."

We should promote many of our staff to management positions...

'I am not my job... my job is not me... I do not need my job to give my life a purpose...' 'Hey, did you hear the news? We're all laid off!' 'Stupid affirmations!'

Of course the teasts are complete nonsense but we're working on the basis that anyone who can be bothered to complete all 148 of them must be highly motivated...

"And yet, as we look at our lives, can't many of us say, 'My cubicle is too small?"

'As you know, this is a Right-To-Work-Cheap-OR-we-send-your-job-to-Asia-state...'

Cat to boss: 'May I have some maternal leave this afternoon?'

'My philosophy is to sit down and the hell with being counted.'