Work-life Balance Humorist Gifts

'Mr. Barnes has been riding his motorcycle, so he's a little behind on his paperwork. If you'll take a seat, he should be with you in a few hours.'

'He's busy at his workstation right now.'

God to Plumber at Heaven's Gates: 'You were supposed to show up last Tuesday.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

The suggestion box.

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

"Never mind devices - we need to establish a 'bring your own funding' policy."

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'