Wordplay Wiz Pillows

'Gee, their sign looks just like what's on our towels at home.' 'The down side of teaching kids to read to early.'

"Just let me handle my demons and we'll be all set."

'No, sorry, money is the root of all evil!'

COVID - 19 versus coronavirus.

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Zombie standup

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.