Wordplay Wizz Pillows

"You mean you actually believe in Dog?"

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Do you have any catsup?'

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Fast food. Even faster food

"Excuse me, I'm here to do some sole searching."