Wordsplay Wizard Pillows

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Zombie standup

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

I will study my speling words...

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"You're going to hate yourself."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"So, what brings you in today, Mr. Brooks? High anxiety again?"

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'