Woke Warrior Pillows

"It had to go - there were historical links with slavery."

"What really gets me is that he's always lecturing me on being 'woke'."

"Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Yay!!! I died rich!"

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

Dear Santa, please can I have a powerful herbicide for Christmas. Best wishes, Adam.

'We use to tiptoe through the tulips. . . now we just waddle through the weeds.'

Politically Correct Snowperson

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

"Are you not thinking what I'm not thinking?"

'And finally, there is the universal solution.'

"I have a huge house, millions in the bank, and a twenty year old wife. But am I happy?..."

"Here's what you wanted – a strategy to live abundantly, build capital, surpass your peers and disappoint your heirs."

'Since we all have to believe in something, I thought, 'Why not money?''

'First weeds of spring.'

"Al emerged from his man cave and saw crabgrass. That means 6 months of obsessing about crabgrass."

Alfred Marquez, Probate Attorney - Heir club for men.

"All those years of dodging taxes and chasing investment yield have kept me in top shape, right?"

Getting Rid of the Cure

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

"I've accepted that I'm getting richer."

A Successful Wedding Party Returns From the Hunt

'Say, aren't those the same weeds that came up last year?'

'Misery is sleeping in late on Saturday morning then realizing it's only Wednesday...'

When collective bargaining is outlawed!: 'To work here, you have to wear this metal collar!'

'Whenever he stares out the window like that I know he's about to go into a gardening frenzy.'

Breaking Through

'All this knowledge going into my head, through my eyes and out the window to float forever in space.'

Ready for the curves life throws at you.

The rich, the poor and the terrorist...

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'Money can't buy friendship.'-'Neither can poverty.'

'You know full well, your gastric band won't work if you keep eating spaghetti like that!'