Witty Wordplay Fan Gifts

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

'Sorry, we don't take credit cards. Hey, look at me - I'm stopping a charging Grizzly! Ha ha ha ha!'

"Well, if you buy the stuff the public-relations people put out, I'm Edward the Great."

'A penny for your thoughts.'

Condom discussion

"Nothing stops my pursuit of inertia."

I like my women like I like my books: thick, musty & bound in leather.

'It's true that the meek were intended to inherit the Earth, Mr. Osgood, but we have you classified as 'apathetic.''

'Damn foreigners, coming over here, taking our Jobs.'

Most women don't buy life insurance - they marry for it.

'So far, so good.'

'If God is your co-pilot, let him drive!'

Danger: Abandoned Mime

'She was getting a face-lift, and the cable snapped.'

'Dolores, cancel Mr. Rubin's transplant surgery. He's had a change of heart about his change of heart.'

Hi, I

"I don't want a jury of my peers – I want a jury of my cronies."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Wok. Don't Wok.

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

Punt Cake

Please Drove Carefully.