Witty Wordplay Fan Pillows

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

'Sorry, we don't take credit cards. Hey, look at me - I'm stopping a charging Grizzly! Ha ha ha ha!'

"Well, if you buy the stuff the public-relations people put out, I'm Edward the Great."

'A penny for your thoughts.'

Condom discussion

"Nothing stops my pursuit of inertia."

I like my women like I like my books: thick, musty & bound in leather.

'It's true that the meek were intended to inherit the Earth, Mr. Osgood, but we have you classified as 'apathetic.''

'Damn foreigners, coming over here, taking our Jobs.'

Most women don't buy life insurance - they marry for it.

'So far, so good.'

'If God is your co-pilot, let him drive!'

Danger: Abandoned Mime

'She was getting a face-lift, and the cable snapped.'

'Dolores, cancel Mr. Rubin's transplant surgery. He's had a change of heart about his change of heart.'

"I don't want a jury of my peers – I want a jury of my cronies."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Staff support"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

Wok. Don't Wok.

'What amazes me most is that years ago I couldn't even spell teacher - now I are one!'

Vlad the Inhaler

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Punt Cake

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

Gay Times...

Please Drove Carefully.