Witty Teer Pillows

Racketeer

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"FYI – your camel hair blazer started it."

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

Death Watch

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Wise Cracker

Knights of the iPhone

Frock Coat

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

Second hand store: 'LEFTOVERS AGAIN!'

"It's shrinkflation!"

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

David Letterman

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"I thought you meant a football pool."

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

Under Canvas

Picasso's brew period.

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

'Some boys think I'm pretty. Some think I'm ugly. What do you think?'

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.