Witty Teer Pillows

Racketeer

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"FYI – your camel hair blazer started it."

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

Knights of the iPhone

Frock Coat

Death Watch

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

Wise Cracker

Second hand store: 'LEFTOVERS AGAIN!'

"It's shrinkflation!"

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Picasso's brew period.

"I thought you meant a football pool."

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

Under Canvas

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

'Some boys think I'm pretty. Some think I'm ugly. What do you think?'

'Yeah... and I'm the tooth-fairy!'