Witty Marketer Pillows

"I like it, but the women will never wear it."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"That's our new church mascot."

Floss Street Vendor

'Oh, and one more thing

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

Everything for a buck.

Cold caller.

Child selling cold lemonade in the winter

'A free goldfish with every house you buy!'

"Monsieur Proust, we would like to discuss product placement for one of our cakes...."

'...hmm ...I predict an upturn in profits this year.'

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

A building covered in signs reading 'boats'.

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

Doomsday marketing

'Now there goes a good Salesman...!'

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'The Dorvil people feel that the merger was a mistake. They want out, they want half the company's assets and they want child support.'

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"This looks good."

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

"See? You don't need fancy window displays to attract attention...just get some police tape!"

Man in puzzle shop looks at staff picks which are individual puzzle pieces.

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.