Witty Collector Pillows

"That one I could never sell. It's stolen."

"Remember, I've got the Dog Catcher on speed dial."

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

The Snarky District

Letter Collecting Nerd

'Stamp collecting has gotten more competitive.'

Baby face

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

Dog Bookends

"As I thought...the carefree extravagant days are over. There's no marble foyer."

Will Work for Food: By 'work' I mean do nothing. . . by 'food' I mean cash.

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

"This one's called 'unpaid electric bills'."

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

"Gone for a P."

Kebab doner card

"You're right. It does look better around your neck."

'Would you knock it off with the 'woulda-coulda-shoulda'!'

The noise you're trying not to hear is always the loudest.

'Nice try, but I've heard the 'static cling' shoplifting defense before.'

"This is for a dissatisfaction survey. On a scale of minus one to minus ten, how bad have we made it for you down here?"

Met Office "It's a tornado watch"

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

"I've been diagnosed with duel personalities."

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

Something for Everyone!

Avocadodo

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Native American Indian Lacrosse

Life's toughest decision-when to start middle age.

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.

"I'm tired - let's call it tall enough."

Cut out and keep your own Latino Lover

"No problem. Of course I'll do the job for you. When I think you need it."