Wisecracker Gifts

"A word to the wise..or is it a word from the wise? I always get it mixed up."

The secret to longevity is good genes, good diet, a good lawyer and witnesses with weak eyesight and poor memories.

"Looks like someone's eyes are bigger than his liver."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

'The mean age of our visitor is 50. It seems like when they turn 50 they get mean.'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

"Don't think for a minute that I've mellowed!"

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you could possibly bankrupt him.

'I don't get it - Why can't you learn from your mistakes?

'Unfortunately, I don't think you have any real clinical disorders - you just seem to be kind of a lame-ass.'

'Look! There's Santa!'

'I have to live and die young because of poor retirement planning.'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

'Someone needs to work on their parenting skills!'

'Enjoy it while you can, kid...one day you wake up and you're five!'

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

Take Your Social Security Early.

"You know what they say about getting older? Dang! I can't remember either."

"Remember, son, keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and anyone who says 'Beer me' as far away as possible."

"When I was your age, I was fifteen."

The three wise men of Thanksgiving

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"You're not getting any younger but then you won't get much older either."

"Even though I wasn't making a big salary, I always saved ten percent of my messages."

"I took the road less travelled, and that got me ten to twenty."

"I don't need a brain, I have a phone."

"Of course it's hard. If it was a promiscuous old tramp like you it'd be easy."

Two women are hosting a radio show called Ask Sadie.

"Eventually, some of us shrivel."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

Precocious child offering a young lady advice on love

"Don't ask me- I just come here to smoke."

'Can I help? You bet your bottom dollar I can.'