Wisecracker Prints

"A word to the wise..or is it a word from the wise? I always get it mixed up."

'Two pair ain't gonna cut it, Joseph. I've got three kings.'

The secret to longevity is good genes, good diet, a good lawyer and witnesses with weak eyesight and poor memories.

"Looks like someone's eyes are bigger than his liver."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

'The mean age of our visitor is 50. It seems like when they turn 50 they get mean.'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you could possibly bankrupt him.

"Don't think for a minute that I've mellowed!"

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'I don't get it - Why can't you learn from your mistakes?

'Enjoy it while you can, kid...one day you wake up and you're five!'

'Unfortunately, I don't think you have any real clinical disorders - you just seem to be kind of a lame-ass.'

'Look! There's Santa!'

"You know what they say about getting older? Dang! I can't remember either."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

'Someone needs to work on their parenting skills!'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

Take Your Social Security Early.

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'I have to live and die young because of poor retirement planning.'

The three wise men of Thanksgiving

"I took the road less travelled, and that got me ten to twenty."

"Son, giving you money for college would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

"Eventually, some of us shrivel."

I just don't want you make the same mistakes I made. These wouldn't be as fun for your mother and me to complain about.

Congratulations! The secret to life is a good cardio workout.

Two women are hosting a radio show called Ask Sadie.

I don't regret that my youth was misspent. I just wish I'd shopped around a bit more.

Listen, I'll pull out the thorn you stepped on, but not the thorn you sat on!

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"All this philosophizin' makes me hungry."

"When I was your age, I was fifteen."