The Wisecracker Gifts

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'