Working World Wisecracker Gifts

You know, you're a real piece of work, Al. In today's job market I assume that's a compliment, doctor.

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

Boy sits at father's desk at work and says on phone: 'OK, I'll have my boys call your boys ..'

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."