Wildlife Laugher Pillows

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"It's not safe to keep meeting like this."

Police Lineup Escape

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Minority Report Is Real

'Don't get your hopes up, I'm only laughing excessively...'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

"We the jury, find the defendant to be as guilty as he looks."

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

Coast to coast.

Oh, those are just photos of my first 1,000 kids – I haven't shown you the second 1,000 yet.

Jim's Mowing Services

Bad Ant Joke

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

Q. U. E.. F. The only time I know when they've been apart is when he was in "Iraq."

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

"I only read half of it."

"You haven't seen any turkeys around here, have you?!"

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'

They Say It's Too Easy To Sue, But Nothing Could Be Further From the Truth

Bird Pool

'Take some of that home, Richard. Don't be a hero.'

"I'm going to read you a bedtime story." "But it's midday." "I'm a very slow reader!"